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Wife and daughter not getting along

Kobe Bryant was not just a legendary basketball player, he was a beloved husband and a father. His year-old daughter, Gianna, was also in the crash and didn't survive. Though Kobe was, of course, known for his iconic basketball career , he was first and foremost, a family man. Kobe met his wife, Vanessa, during a music video shoot in while she was still in high school and he was just 20 years old.

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: In-Law Conflict: Your Wife vs Your Mother

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Unhealthy Mother Daughter Relationships

Dear Therapist: I’m Considering Leaving My Wife for My Co-worker

Two leading researchers on marriage explain how couples can keep their relationship -- and kids -- happy and strong. What happens to a couple's relationship after they have a baby? Philip Cowan, Ph. That's the year they decided to start the Becoming a Family Project, tracking couples from pregnancy to when their children started kindergarten.

In they began the Schoolchildren and Their Families Project, following the first of several groups of parents whose kids were entering kindergarten. The Cowans will complete their research in , when the last group of kids finishes high school.

Child checked in with the Cowans to peek into the early findings suggested by their studies. So far, the results have been clear: After having a child, couples' marital satisfaction declines, negatively affecting kids emotionally and academically. But this downward slide is not inevitable. Some couples' marriages remain strong and happy, as do their children.

What are these couples doing right? And why do so many relationships seem to suffer after children? With the U. In an interview, the Cowans -- married for 45 years, with three grown children and seven grandchildren -- shared what they believe are the ingredients to a happy family. Q: You say most couples become less satisfied with their marriages after having kids. How unhappy are they? Are certain childrearing stages harder on relationships?

CPC: Ninety-two percent of those in our first study described a gradual increase in conflict after having their baby. By the time their babies were 18 months old, almost one of four couples indicated that their marriage was in distress. PC: One stage is not harder on relationships than another. There is a cumulative erosion of satisfaction over time. Parents of school-age children experience less depression and personal stress than they did when their kids were babies, but marital satisfaction continues its steady decline for most couples.

PC: The key to marital satisfaction lies in how couples manage the decision-making process. It's not whether the couples have problems, because every couple does.

But when babies come along, there are a lot more issues and differences of opinion to negotiate, and a couple's ability to do so with cooperation and respect can make or break the marriage. It's also important for partners to hear each other's outbursts without immediately firing back or engaging in blame. And the one who's said or done something thoughtless needs to make amends later. Saying, "I made that comment out of anger. I really didn't mean it," goes a long way toward repairing a relationship.

Q: You also put some expectant couples in groups with trained leaders and found years later that their satisfaction did not decline. Can you explain? PC: Many people take Lamaze classes, learning how to breathe during childbirth, but few give much thought to what the next 20 years are going to be like.

Couples in our first study joined the groups when the wives were seven months pregnant and met weekly until the babies were 3 months old. The group helped them start thinking concretely about what life with the baby would be like and enabled them to talk about their ideas, worries, and confusion before and after the birth. Six years later, the couples who remained married and had been in these groups were far more satisfied with their relationships.

CPC: New parents say it's the division of labor, the who-does-what in the family. PC: When children become school-age, the issues of money and spending time together become more important. Q: Don't couples' sex lives play a big role in their marital satisfaction? CPC: Sex is a reflection of how the rest of the relationship is going. If you feel hurt or misunderstood, or you and your husband are struggling over but not resolving issues, that affects how attracted, nurturing, and ready to have sex you'll be.

The frequency of lovemaking declines during the early months of parenthood when mothers especially are exhausted, but we find that most couples' sex lives rebound within two years. During that time, though, some partners may not initiate even snuggling or touching for fear that it will give the message that they're ready to have sex when they aren't. We advise couples to be perfectly clear: "I'm not sure how much energy I have tonight, but I'd love to hold you for a few minutes.

Many new mothers talk about feeling unattractive postpartum. But while a few men find it hard to see their wives as sexual after having children, most husbands are supportive about their wives' appearance. Q: What role does the relationship spouses had with their parents have in a marriage? CPC: It helps if partners understand how each other's family history is being played out in the marriage, which is another reason why couples' groups are so effective.

For instance, a common struggle among new parents is whether to let their baby cry it out at night. If you pick up a baby all the time, she'll come to expect that, the father might say.

But, the mother argues, a baby needs to be held to feel secure and know we are here for her. In the group, the couple would explore why they feel so emotional about their view. Maybe the mom is compensating for what she didn't get as a child from her own parents.

Once she and her husband realize why this particular issue is so touchy, it's easier for them to be sympathetic and find a solution they're both comfortable with. PC: Work on issues with your partner when you're calm -- not at 2 a. Often after couples have had a fight, they're reluctant to bring up the issue again. But if you don't, it can linger and resentment can build. If you argue in front of your kids, tell them later that you worked out your disagreement or show them that you did by calming yourselves down in front of them.

Make time for the relationship. You may not be able to afford a sitter or be ready to leave your baby, but you can check in with each other for at least 10 minutes every day. That can be done after you put the kids to bed or even on the phone while you're both at work, as long as you're sharing what happened to you that day and how it's affecting you emotionally.

The pace of life today is so frenetic that few couples do this. But marriages are capable of change, and small changes can make big differences. Q: In your research, you've found that being in couples groups with trained leaders also helps children.

Why do you think that is? CPC: We enrolled 66 of the couples in our second study in couples groups for four months. One half were in groups that focused more on the parent-child relationship, while the other were in groups that stressed the marital relationship. We conducted interviews with parents, observed the family interacting, asked teachers to fill out questionnaires about the couples' children, and gave the students achievement tests.

Those whose parents had been in groups of either type were doing better academically and having fewer behavioral and emotional difficulties than the children whose parents received no support. This was true even six years later. PC: Interestingly, couples in both kinds of couples groups had become more responsive parents -- warmer and more skilled at setting realistic limits for their kids.

But only the parents who were in the marriage-focused groups had developed more satisfying marriages. That tells us that if parents improve their relationship, they will not only improve the marriage but also become more effective parents.

Q: Do kids really know when their parents aren't happy with their marriages? CPC: Absolutely. We've found that kids sense when their parents are upset or in conflict even if their parents are not openly fighting.

And from academic achievement tests and teacher reports, we know that the kids who feel responsible for their parents' conflicts don't do as well in school. Q: Despite all your research that reveals the toll kids take on relationships, you are optimistic about marriage and parenthood. PC: Our children have always been a great source of joy, and virtually all the couples in our studies said that about their children.

Becoming parents can reveal fault lines in a marriage -- it did with us. But if you work on the marriage and make it better, as we did, it can be wonderful for everyone. Partners can feel better about themselves, they're more productive and able to meet challenges, and the children thrive.

Staying Lovers While Raising Kids. By Pamela Kruger. Save Pin FB ellipsis More. Image zoom. Q: Yet some parents remain happily married. What is their secret? Q: What can couples do on their own if they want to improve their marriages? How Does Your Relationship Rate?

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How To Get Kids To Listen – Secret Strategy That Works

One evening when I was particularly focused on the potential unraveling of the mother-son bond, my iPhone pinged, as if on cue. Paul and I have always been close. Among other things, we share a love of debate, bad puns, and cooking. The food bond started early.

About two years ago, I received inheritance from my father. He had not spoken to me in 40 years and I had no idea I would be included.

You want to be at the centre of your family's lives, to be included, wanted and loved, but your actions mean you are getting the opposite. Photograph: iStock. Question: The marriage was good the first year. But things started to change after our kid was born.

Monitor the health of your community here

Her early novels drew on her experience growing up a conservative Jewish family in Chicago. Later works focused on career women who balance work, a love life, and even marriage, with a desire for independence. Caspary is best known for her skillfully-crafted and psychologically-complex murder mysteries. Several of her books were made into films, including both Bedelia and Laura. Enormously popular in her time, she was also a playwright and screenwriter, with such classics as Fritz Lang's The Blue Gardenia and Joseph L. Mankiewicz's Letter to Three Wives having been adapted from her screen stories. An independent woman in an unliberated era, she collided with or was touched by many of its major historical and cultural events: wars, the Depression, the Spanish Civil War. Hollywood in its romantic heyday, Hollywood in the grip of McCarthyism, the footloose of the artistic rich, publishing, Broadway. Vera Caspary. When Elaine and Fletcher marry, their relationship is passionate.

Caught in the Middle

Co-parenting with the stepmother of our children can be a bigger challenge than co-parenting with our ex-husband. A Stepmother can have a way of overstepping her boundaries whether she realizes it or not. As moms, sometimes we view the stepmother much like we view the ugly, mean, heartless stepmother of Cinderella. And she may be trying her best to impress children and new hubby alike. That may be unfair, but just saying!

The blonde former-model is close to her father and lives near the White House with her husband and three children.

Two leading researchers on marriage explain how couples can keep their relationship -- and kids -- happy and strong. What happens to a couple's relationship after they have a baby? Philip Cowan, Ph. That's the year they decided to start the Becoming a Family Project, tracking couples from pregnancy to when their children started kindergarten.

I Had an Affair With a Married Man and Broke Up His Marriage

There are few things as frustrating as a disrespectful child. Most parents can deal with mistakes, failures, immaturities, and a whole host of other imperfections within their children, but a lack of respect is unacceptable. And it should be.

My wife and my mother don't get along. Both of them complain to me about the other one. I'm caught in the middle. I try not to see them both together, but when I do, I am so tense I feel like I am balancing on a high wire. The thing is I want my kids to have a relationship with my parents, their grandparents, and I don't want the tension between my wife and my mother to take that away from them. What can I do?

Stepmother Is Overstepping Her Boundaries

By: Author Parenting For Brain. So how do I get my child to listen without yelling, nagging or punishing? On a hot summer day, my 5 year old daughter was swimming with two friends. One friend called across the pool to ask her mother if she could use the hot tub. Her mom said no — after all, it was sweltering. My daughter and the other friend started asking, too. Her mother and I shook our heads. Her friends started whining.

unless you are thinking about getting a divorce back up your wife in front of It's not going to do your Daughter and her Mother's relationship any favours having children myself I thought something similar along these 25, - posts - ‎64 authors.

The following was syndicated from Medium for the Fatherly Forum , a community of parents and influencers with insights about work, family, and life. There has been a social media meme that sparked a debate. Or so I thought. I found myself in many different debates explaining why I believe the wife is always first.

Why I Put My Wife Before My Kid

Conflict between a wife and daughter can be a source of great frustration for fathers because of the obvious loss of peace and the dilemma of being pushed to take sides. Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed, says John Gray in his book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Fathers, however, don't have to deny all their manly instincts.

More on Blended Families — “My Child and My Spouse Don’t Get Along!”

There should be consequences if they overstep the line. Ask them what can they can do differently in the situation, and how can they express their frustration or annoyance in appropriate ways. Still, your child should be held accountable for talking appropriately to all family members and spending time with the family, regardless of their feelings.

Editor's Note: Every Monday, Lori Gottlieb answers questions from readers about their problems, big and small.




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